i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
