So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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