If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
