her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
