There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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