i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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