I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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