dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
