k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
