There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
