My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(