if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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