my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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