I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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