I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
