Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
