You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
