so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
