She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
