I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The uberlube is also flammable
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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