this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
