I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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