he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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