i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
