theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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