planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
