just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
