I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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