got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
