how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
