Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
