Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
