Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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