I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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