And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
