you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
