what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
