So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize