heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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