I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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