oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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