My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
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The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
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I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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