I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
