it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
