piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
