you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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