Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize