I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
