I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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