just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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