One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
