I smell stomach acid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
