i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
