So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
