I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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