I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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