I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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