insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
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It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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