hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
