fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
