woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
