I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
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Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
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it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize